Gotta Kick the Gotta Habit

It's 6:45. My wife has been up for over half an hour getting ready. One kid is up and watching cartoons, and the other is crying from his crib wanting to get up. My alarm goes off for the second time. I roll over, groan, and say to myself "I have got to get up". This may seem like a normal start to the day. I am guessing that many of you start your day in a very similar manner. Despite this being a typical wake up ritual, it is actually rather harmful. I have begun my day basically saying that I am not choosing my life. I am resigning myself to deal with it. I start my day with a "gotta".

There are a phrases that we toss around all the time unaware that they have the power to totally change out headspace. It is important to remember that language is the computer coding of our mind, so when we use certain words our mind will adjust itself to accommodate the input. Using words and phrases can alter what we notice, what we expect, what we assume, and whether we go through the day pursuing joy or avoiding pain. I am going to highlight a few of the more commonly used trap phrases below and offer up some replacement ideas (these are going to sound awkward because we, unfortunately, are very accustomed to treating ourselves poorly).

• Gotta, have to, must: These phrases suggest that my actions are compelled to avoid a threat of some sort. If I hit myself with a "gotta" I am saying that I will do things or else... Using phrases like this tells the brain to only notice threats and to expect harm around every corner. This promotes worry, defensiveness, and prevents enjoyment. When was the last time you have enjoyed something that someone was forcing you to do using threats? Try using some of these: "It's time to", "I'm ready to", "I am excited to", or "It is important to me that I".

• Should: "Should" is almost always a shame reaction or provoker. When I say I should do something I am signaling to myself that, if I don't, something is inherently wrong with me. Once this happens, my brain is now tuned to be on high alert for signs that I am broken or corrupt in some way. This results in me expecting judgement and criticism from everyone I come in contact with (I'm forcing myself to accept that I ended on a preposition here). Shame is a source of motivation, but it is a double edged one and ultimately does more harm than good. Maybe try: "I hope to be able to", "I am working on more consistently ______", "I will try to".

• Need to: This one works similar to the" gotta"s for me, but it makes things a bit more "life or death". Declaring that I need to do something converts a simple take into an existential imperative. When I hit myself with a "need to", my brain begins to hyper focus on things I don't have in my life. I tend to compare myself to others more, and I become far less satisfied with what I have. I tend to expect life to not go my way unless I busy myself with tasks. Interestingly, these are rarely tasks that actually provide meaning and significance. Fear is the main driver behind the need to's. As with shame, fear is a powerful motivator, but it also comes with a cost. When we are driven by fear, we switch into "fight or flight" mode. When our brain is in that mode, there is no room for joy or peace. Instead of telling ourselves we "need to" we can say: "It would be nice to", "I have an opportunity to", "this is a great time to", "I want to be sure to".

This is far from an exhaustive list of secretly powerful things that we say to ourselves each day. The first things we say to ourselves when we wake up sets the tone for that day. Decide what you want your day to be filled with and declare your intent to go chase after that. Don't worry, though, if the old patterns persist. If we can catch the joy sabotaging thought or statement after it happens, we have to power to reject that mindset and replace it! Doing this can change everything. A life motivated by joy and love is far more enjoyable than one governed by fear and shame.